If Freudian theory is correct and handbags are indeed vaginal symbols, this H.A.G.S.-induced mania for their constant renewal finds an easy parallel in the contemporary trend for vaginal shaving, waxing, tweaking and—last but not least—vaginal-rejuvenation surgery. The bottom line, it would appear, is that nobody, in the year of our Lord 2005, wants to be the owner of an old bag.
Once you accept the hypothesis—as I unquestioningly have—that vaginas and handbags are totally synonymous, the world becomes a very interesting place. Look at that chippie over there with her buckled and padlocked Chloé Paddington bag: Is she transmitting a message of chastity or bondage? Look at the teeth on that LeSportsac zipper! Vagina dentata, anyone? And that crazed overachiever who just stole your cab: What is motivating her to stuff her entire forearm into the gaping maw of her monogrammed Goyard tote?
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery? Oy. We're living in a brave new world, indeed.
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