The phone call

A Play in Three Acts

Cast of Characters

HERB HORSHAK--60ish with gray hair and a slight paunch. Wears a Treo on his belt and brandishes it at odd times. Has a one-syllable laugh that's kind of a cross between "Ha!" and a hiccup which he generally deploys about 30 seconds after he figures out that someone's just said something funny.

MARY-BETH HORSHAK--Herb's wife, a nondescript late-middle-aged woman.

JILLIAN JASPER--50ish, superannuated hippy chick, known to wear knee-highs under a skirt and an ill-fitting bra. Has a high voice like a child.

RACHEL--An innocent bystander.



Act I:
A morning in November

The curtain rises to reveal a long, dank corridor in the Technical Information Center. Herb, Mary-Beth and Jillian are standing on one end, chatting, when Rachel enters at the other end.

HERB: Rachel, come here a sec.

RACHEL: Yes.

HERB: I'd like you to meet my wife, Mary-Beth.

RACHEL: How do you do?

MARY-BETH: Nice to meet you, Rachel.

JILLIAN: Isn't it romantic, Rachel? Mary-Beth comes down here every Thursday night and they have dinner together and spend the night on post.

RACHEL: Great. Listen, I've got a lot to do if I'm gonna get out of here early enough to beat rush hour traffic. I'm going to Philadelphia this weekend. Nice meeting you.

MARY-BETH: You too, Rachel


Act II
6 months later

Rachel's office. She is leaning slightly back in her chair with the telephone receiver cradled under her ear. She's having an interminable conversation with her son about something at the same time that she's blogging about shoes. From the open door, she sees a woman walk quickly down the hall. Moments later, the woman returns and Rachel recognizes Mary-Beth, who sticks her hand in the door and waves on her way out of the building.

RACHEL: Hi.

Act III
Another months 6 later

Rachel's office. She's sitting at her desk transferring figures from a piece of paper onto an Excel spreadsheet. Offstage Jillian and Herb can be heard discussing what they ate for lunch. The phone rings.

RACHEL: Hello.

MARY-BETH: Rachel?

RACHEL: Yes.

MARY-BETH: It's Mary-Beth.

RACHEL: Who?

MARY-BETH: Mary-Beth Horshak. Herb's wife.

RACHEL: Oh. Hi.

MARY-BETH: Are you alone?

RACHEL: Um, yeah.

MARY-BETH: Are Herb and Jillian nearby? Can they hear you?

RACHEL: They're in the hall. Do you want to speak to Herb?

MARY-BETH: No. Can I ask you to do something for me?

RACHEL: Ahhh ... sure.

MARY-BETH: Could you please close your office door?

RACHEL: Uhhm, why?

MARY-BETH: I want this to be kept between the two of us.

RACHEL: OK.

MARY-BETH: Now I want to ask you a question.

RACHEL: OK.

MARY-BETH: Do you think Herb is honest?

RACHEL: Honest?

MARY-BETH: Yes, do you think Herb is honest where women are concerned?

RACHEL: I'm not sure where you're going with this.

MARY-BETH: Do you think Herb is a man of good character where women are concerned?

RACHEL: As far as I know. I mean, I haven't heard anything.

MARY-BETH: You haven't?

RACHEL: No.

MARY-BETH: OK. Well I just wanted to know. You know how we old ladies get, worrying about things.

RACHEL: Well, I don't know anything that would worry you.

MARY-BETH: Thanks. And Rachel?

RACHEL: Yes?

MARY-BETH: Please don't say anything about this phone call. Don't tell Herb.

RACHEL: Uh, sure.

MARY-BETH: Bye, bye.

RACHEL: Bye.

Rachel hangs up the phone. The lights go off. Curtain falls.

The Jillian chronicles: The incident with the cherries

Monday, 7:30 am: I bring in a large container of cherries and place them on the counter in the office kitchen area, which is the universal gesture for help yourself.

Monday, 8:25 am: Jillian knocks on my (open) office door.

Yes?
Did you bring in the cherries?
Uh huh.
Thanks. I really love cherries, but they're so expensive that I never get them.
Help yourself. These were on special and there are really too many for just the two of us at home.
Thank you so so much.

Monday, noon:

Knock, knock.
Yes?
Gosh, Rachel, these cherries are terrific!
Thanks.

Monday, 3:45 pm:

Knock, knock.
Uh huh.
Rachel, are you done with the cherries? Because if you are I'll wrap them up and put them in the refrigerator.
Good. Thanks.

Sometime on Tuesday morning:

Knock, knock.
Nod.
I'm really enjoying these cherries, Rachel.
Shrug.
Ciao!

Wednesday afternoon:

Knock, knock.
Sigh.
Just wanted to thank you again for the cherries.
Great.

Thursday, lunchtime:

Knock.
Mmm hmm?
These cherries really are good.
Unintelligible.

Friday afternoon:

Knock, knock.
Head turns toward door.
I can't believe how many cherries I've eaten.
Oh?
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

The following Monday afternoon:

Knock, knock.
Yes?
I just wanted you to know, Rachel, that I'm still eating those cherries.
Really?
Yeah. I had to wash mold off of them today, but they're still tasty.
Gag.

Dispatches from the Jillian Chronicles

From: "Sylvia Casey" <sylvia.casey@library.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Retirement
Date: 1 Jun 2006 10:59:27

Jillian, Rachel:

We've discussed this before so I know you gals are prepared, but I wanted to let you know that it's official, I'm retiring effective September 1, 2006. I sent Brian the official notice today.

We'll have plenty of time to discuss this later, but I just wanted to add that I don't really want a big send-off. Let's not make a big fuss.

Sylvia

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 1 Jun 2006 11:02:27

Rachel,

Have you got any ideas about Sylvia's retirement party? I was thinking we could have a dinner dance at R____ ballroom. What do you think?

Jillian

------------------------------------


From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 2 Jun 2006 11:20:01

What part of "let's not make a big fuss" don't you understand?


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From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: FW: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 10 Jun 2006 13:20:27

Brian says we won't be able to book a room at the ballroom before Sylvia retires. What do you think about a luncheon?

----- Original Message -----

From: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
To: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 10 Jun 2006 12:59:07

Jill:

The ballroom's probably booked through September and I still have to see how much the company will contribute and whether the government will pony up. How about a luncheon?

Brian Hollister
Project Manager
XYZ Company

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
Subject: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 1 Jun 2006 11:04:27

Brian,

Rachel and I think it would be great if we could throw a dinner dance for Sylvia's retirement. What do you think?

Jillian

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 15 Jun 2006 11:20:01

A luncheon is good. But let's keep the guest list small. Sylvia doesn't want a big fuss. How about just our group and a select list of others?

But I'm really kind of tied up right now getting ready for next month's conference. Can we hold off a bit? Or do one of you guys want to get started on this?

Rachel

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 16 Jun 2006 11:25:15

Brian, can you handle this? I'm really no good at making arrangements like this.

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sylvia's retirement
Date: 1 Jul 2006 08:45:30

Brian, Rachel:

We've really got to get going on Sylvia's retirement party. What have you come up with?

Jillian

------------------------------------


From: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Luncheon at Scotto's
Date: 2 Jul 2006 12:20:45

Jillian, Rachel:

I can get a good deal on a luncheon for at Scotto's. But the company will only contribute $10 per person. We can pick up the slack by having everyone in the group put in $20.

Brian Hollister
Project Manager
XYZ Company

------------------------------------


From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>"Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Luncheon at Scotto's
Date: 2 Jul 2006 14:19:01

Fine.

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Luncheon at Scotto's
Date: 3 Jul 2006 19:05:12

$20 is out of the question. I don't think I can afford to pay anything.

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Luncheon at Scotto's
Date: 4 Jul 2006 07:32:55

Jillian,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the one who wanted to throw a giant wingding in the first place? How about we just have an Open House in the library then? Say from 1-4? People can come and go as they please and we'll be able to keep the costs down.

Rachel


------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
Subject: I just had a great idea
Date: 5 Jul 2006 16:05:12

Let's have an Open House at the library for Sylvia's retirement. People can drop by anytime from 1 to 4. We'll just offer soft drinks and snacks to keep the costs down.

------------------------------------

From: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Open House
Date: 7 Jul 2006 08:20:45

Ladies,

I think Jillian's open house idea is terrific. Now we need to make a list of what we need and who's doing what. Jillian--the ball's in your court.

Brian Hollister
Project Manager
XYZ Company

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>"Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Open house
Date: 7 Jul 2006 9:22:07

I'm going out of town tomorrow. Can we discuss this when I get back?

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Open house
Date: 8 Jul 2006 12:12:12

Brian: I'm really not that good about organizing things. Why don't you make a list? And you, Rachel and I will divvy up the tasks.


------------------------------------


From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Out of Office Auto-Reply
Date: 8 Jul 2006 12:12:13

I will be out of the office until July 20, and will not be checking email. If you need immediate assistance, please send a message to Sylvia Casey, or call Jillian Jasper.

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From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Open house
Date: 1 Aug 2006 08:09:10

Brian and Rachel,

We have a month until Sylvia's retirement and we still haven't gotten anything nailed down. It's time to get to work.

Jillian

------------------------------------

From: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>
To: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 09:20:42

Ladies:

I'll pick up the food and soft drinks. We just need someone to make a cute invitation and send it out. Also someone needs to collect $5 from everyone in the group for a gift.

Brian Hollister
Project Manager
XYZ Company

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 9:25:01

I'll do the invitations.

------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 10:10:10

Brian, Rachel,

Organization was never my strong suit. Can one of you collect for the gift? I'm sure I'd botch it if I did it.

Jillian

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 10:30:30

OK, I'll collect for the gift. What about decorations?

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From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 10:50:50

Rachel and Brian,

You know, my kids always used to tell me that I was lousy at throwing parties. I really don't think anyone would want me to decorate.

Jillian

------------------------------------

From: "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 11:11:11

Fine. I'll get the decorations. We're still gonna need paper plates and cutlery.


------------------------------------

From: "Jillian Jasper" <jillian.jasper@library.gov>
To: "Brian Hollister" <brian.hollister@headquarters.gov>; "Rachel Sawyer" <rachel.sawyer@library.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Open House
Date: 1 Aug 2006 11:15:50

Rachel, Good thinking!

Brian, Can you pick them up when you get the food?

Jillian