Sep 17, 2008

Supermarket follies, I

So I run into the grocery store to pick up the essentials--coffee and milk. At the front of the store the self-checkout lines are nonfunctioning and a woman apparently buying two months of groceries for an overcrowded prison is patronizing the only visible cashier. But the light is on at another register and I go over to investigate. No one is at the register and I sort of stand there gawking when a cashier comes over.

I put my grocery items on the belt and begin an in-depth investigation of the gum on display. Then I hear some sound coming from the direction of the cashier.

"I'm sorry," I say to the pudgy 20-something at the controls, "what did you say?"

A simultaneous sigh and roll of the eye followed by a deep breath: "DO (10 second pause while she inhales to ensure the proper volume, which is just a smidgen below a shout) YOU (10 second pause) WANT (10 second pause) YOUR (10 second pause) MILK (10 second pause) IN (10 second pause) A (10 second pause) BAG?"

"Do you always talk that way to customers?"

Eyes widen to mimic a look of injured innocence. "What?"

"Like I'm a retard. A deaf retard,' I explain. "Do you make it a practice to speak to customers in that tone."

More wide-eyed innocence. "I was just making sure you heard."

"Right. Save that tone for your mother."


miriam said...

One of your best.

Patrick said...

Will you marry me?

Anonymous said...

You're not supposed to say "retard." The police are on their way to your home as we speak.

Or rather, as I type.


Rachel said...

Well if I end up in jail, I won't have to go to the grocery store any longer.