Supermarket follies, I

So I run into the grocery store to pick up the essentials--coffee and milk. At the front of the store the self-checkout lines are nonfunctioning and a woman apparently buying two months of groceries for an overcrowded prison is patronizing the only visible cashier. But the light is on at another register and I go over to investigate. No one is at the register and I sort of stand there gawking when a cashier comes over.

I put my grocery items on the belt and begin an in-depth investigation of the gum on display. Then I hear some sound coming from the direction of the cashier.

"I'm sorry," I say to the pudgy 20-something at the controls, "what did you say?"

A simultaneous sigh and roll of the eye followed by a deep breath: "DO (10 second pause while she inhales to ensure the proper volume, which is just a smidgen below a shout) YOU (10 second pause) WANT (10 second pause) YOUR (10 second pause) MILK (10 second pause) IN (10 second pause) A (10 second pause) BAG?"

"Do you always talk that way to customers?"

Eyes widen to mimic a look of injured innocence. "What?"

"Like I'm a retard. A deaf retard,' I explain. "Do you make it a practice to speak to customers in that tone."

More wide-eyed innocence. "I was just making sure you heard."

"Right. Save that tone for your mother."