The Gospels of Barack

Teddy 8:12-18

In those days came Oprah the talk-show host, preaching in the wilderness of America, and saying, Think positive: For thou can control thine own destiny.

For this is The Secret. And all who follow it shall become happy.

Then went out to her Chicago, and all America.

And were taught by her to renounce negativity, divesting themselves of bad thoughts and bringing onto them great wealth and positive change.

Then cometh Barack from Chicago to South Carolina unto Oprah, to be endorsed of her.

And Barack, when he was endorsed, went up straightway out of the auditorium: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the cheering faces of thousands of Oprah's disciples.

And lo a voice from heaven, saying, Hillary has lost the women's vote.

* * * * *

Jesse, 3:7-18

And the third day there was a rally; and the wife of Barack was there:

And both Barack was called, and his disciples, to the rally.

And when they wanted water, the wife of Barack saith unto him, They have only bottled water. We cannot alienate the environmentalists by being seen drinking bottled water.

And Barack saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come.

His wife saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.

And there were set there six single-size water bottles of plastic, the manner of which are clogging up the nation's landfills. And Barack drank from them.

And Barack saith unto the servants, Throw these PVC bottles into the trash. Deliver them not into the recycling bin.

And he saith unto them, Dispose of them now and deliver the trash bin to yonder representative of the Sierra Club.

And the Sierra Club member looked in the trash can, and lo, it was empty and the bottles were gone. And he knew not whence they had gone.

And Barack saith onto him, Every man and woman can now partake of the bottled water as I have made the bottles biodegradable. They will no longer defile our nation's landfills.

And the Sierra man saw that it was so. And there was rejoicing. And the teamsters who deliver the bottled water joined forces with the environmentalists and it was good.

This beginning of miracles did Barack, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

* * * * *

John 2:11-17

And a certain woman, which had suffered Epstein-Barr syndrome twelve years,

And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had been denied experimental treatment by her health insurer and spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,

When she had heard of Barack, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.

For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.

And straightway the pain was gone; and she felt in her body that she was healed.

But the woman fearing and trembling, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. I have a pre-existing condition, she said. And cannot get more health insurance.

And he said unto her, Daughter, under my administration there will be no mandatory health insurance, unlike under the rule of those Pharisees, the Clintons. For faith will make everyone whole.