Other people's children

I noticed a while ago that I had completely and utterly lost patience with other people's children.

The first time was several years ago when I went to an antique jewelry show and people were pushing mewling children on strollers through the aisles in complete disregard for both the laws of physics and decent standards of behavior. After the second or third time I got pushed face first into a display case by one of these parents, I left. I wanted to shout: If you can't get a sitter, perhaps you should stay home.

I felt kind of guilty for this reaction at first. No longer. I've seen too many kids shrieking in movie theaters and running through department stores. And I've become something of an expert in the field. The offending behavior falls into one of three categories:

1) The child is too tired/overstimulated. How many times have you seen a young child utterly lose it, only to have the parent ignore the wailing and continue as if nothing has happened? The solution to this problem is simple: Bring the child home. I don't care if you're not finished with your errands. Junior has had enough; you'll have to come back.

2) The setting is inappropriate for children. A few years ago at a late showing of The Panic Room, I knew my evening was ruined when an entire family--mom, dad and two little girls aged about two and four--sat down right in front of me. Sure enough, the little one started screaming pretty early on, forcing the mother out of the theater. Dad stuck around, though, while the four-year-old talked up a storm, stood on the seat and eventually emulated her sister's piercing shriek. The worst case of this behavior, though, happened to my parents who went to a classical concert to which a woman brought an infant who--naturally--woke up during the concert and started crying.

3) The parents allow the children to run amok. This has become standard at grocery and department stores. Mom shops while the kids tear through the store making nuisances of themselves--sometimes dangerously so.

But if you protest, be prepared to have your head handed to you. This happened to me.

I was on the line for the cashier at Loehmann's. A woman a few places ahead of me was talking with her friend while her toddler was left to his own devices. I rather enjoy watching an incipient toddler toddle; and this one was pretty cute. He was sitting on the floor, wearing a t-shirt, no shoes and a diaper and pulling himself up by the velvet ropes connecting the poles used to herd us bargain hunters through the line. But as he pulled on the ropes, the poles started to teeter. After watching him do this three or four times, I gently pointed out to the mother that, perhaps, this wasn't something he should be doing as he could get hurt, knock down the poles and cause general havoc. I was told in no uncertain terms that he (the toddler) was perfectly able to judge whether the poles would fall or not. And she (the mother) had her eyes on him the whole time. And who was I (the complainer) to criticize? And why didn't I mind my own business? She kept up the harangue during her transaction and even stayed around to yell at me as I was conducting my business with the cashier. The baby, naturally, continued to pull himself up on the velvet ropes.